Worked examples

Tuesday, about 2 p.m., at my desk. I asked in the group chat if anyone wanted dinner Friday. An hour later nobody had answered, and it showed that two people had read it.

Embarrassed 70, Lonely 60, Anxious 40. Body: Hot face, heavy stomach.

• They don’t want to hang out with me.
• I’m always the one who reaches out.
• I pictured them in a separate chat, making plans without me.
• Nobody really wants me around.

Nobody really wants me around. 80

Thinking styles: Mind reading, Overgeneralizing

• Two people read the message and didn’t answer for an hour.
• I organized the last two dinners.

• It’s a Tuesday afternoon. Sam and Priya are at work until six.
• Priya answered within minutes the last time I asked.
• Sam invited me to his birthday two weeks ago.
• I read messages at work and forget to answer all the time.

Nobody has answered yet, and that stings. It’s also a workday afternoon, Priya usually answers fast, and Sam invited me to his birthday two weeks ago. A slow reply is more likely about their afternoon than about me. 70

Embarrassed 70 → 35, Lonely 60 → 40, Anxious 40 → 20. Hot thought believed 80 → 35.

When I’m lonely I read silence as rejection. Writing down what I actually knew took some of the sting out.

Next: Wait until the evening. If there’s still nothing, text Priya on her own.

Thursday morning, one-on-one with my manager. She said the report needed more detail in the budget section and asked me to redo it by Monday.

Ashamed 75, Anxious 65

• She thinks I’m careless.
• I should have caught that.
• I’m bad at my job.

I’m bad at my job. 75

Thinking styles: Labeling, Mental filter

• The budget section was thin. I rushed it.
• I have to redo part of it.

• She said the rest of the report was clear.
• She gave me until Monday, which is a normal turnaround.
• My review in March was “meets expectations” with good notes on client work.
• Everyone on the team gets revisions. Dana redid half of hers last month.

I rushed one section and it showed, which is worth fixing. One revision doesn’t make me bad at my job. My reviews and the rest of this report say I’m doing fine. 75

Ashamed 75 → 40, Anxious 65 → 35. Hot thought believed 75 → 30.

I go straight from a mistake to a verdict about myself. The mistake is fixable, and the verdict doesn’t match my reviews.

Next: Block two hours Friday for the budget section. Ask her one question about what she wants to see.

Saturday, 11 a.m. Still in bed, scrolling. The laundry and the dishes from Thursday are waiting.

Depressed 80, Guilty 60. Body: Heavy, like my arms weigh too much.

• I’m wasting the whole weekend.
• Other people have their lives together.
• I’m lazy and I’ll never get my life together.

I’m lazy and I’ll never get my life together. 85

Thinking styles: Labeling, Fortune telling, All-or-nothing thinking

• It’s 11 and I haven’t started anything.
• The dishes have been there since Thursday.

• I worked five full days this week and didn’t miss any deadlines.
• When I’ve felt like this before, it usually eased by the afternoon once I got moving.
• Last Sunday I felt like this in the morning and still went for a walk and cooked.
• Last weekend I paid my bills and made it to my sister’s dinner.

I’m having a slow, low morning, and the chores are real. I also got through a full work week, and low energy is part of low mood, not proof of who I am. Getting up and doing one small thing will help more than deciding my future from bed. 60

Depressed 80 → 60, Guilty 60 → 35. Hot thought believed 85 → 55.

The low mood lifted only partway, and that’s fine. Doing something usually helps more than thinking about it.

Next: Shower, then wash the dishes. Just those two.

Last night, 8:45, my daughter’s room. She asked for a fourth glass of water and I raised my voice and said “go to sleep.” She cried.

Guilty 85, Frustrated 50

• I scared her.
• I’m turning into my father.
• I’m a terrible parent.

I’m a terrible parent. 80

Thinking styles: Labeling, Magnifying and shrinking

• I raised my voice and she cried.
• It’s the second time this week I’ve been short with her at bedtime.

• I went back in, apologized, and she hugged me.
• I read with her most nights and I know her friends’ names.
• My father never apologized. I did, within ten minutes.
• Both times this week I’d been up since 5 for work.

I lost my patience and it upset her, and I don’t want that to become a habit. I also went back within ten minutes and made it right, and most nights go fine. Being worn out at bedtime is a problem I can plan for. 70

Guilty 85 → 45, Frustrated 50 → 20. Hot thought believed 80 → 30.

The guilt was about something real, and it helped me fix it. Calling myself a terrible parent didn’t help with anything.

Next: Ask my partner to swap bedtime on the nights I start at 5.

Sunday, 5 p.m., in the checkout line at a busy grocery store. It was warm and I suddenly felt light-headed.

Scared 90, Embarrassed 40. Body: Dizzy, heart pounding, hands tingling.

• I’m going to faint.
• I pictured myself on the floor with people standing over me.
• If I don’t leave now, I’m going to pass out and everyone will stare.

If I don’t leave now, I’m going to pass out and everyone will stare. 85

Thinking styles: Catastrophizing, Fortune telling

• I felt dizzy and my heart was racing.
• It was hot and crowded.

• I’ve felt like this at least ten times and have never fainted.
• My doctor checked me in the spring and said my heart is healthy.
• I stayed in line and paid. The feeling faded in the parking lot.
• Nobody looked at me as far as I could tell.

The dizziness is real and it’s unpleasant. Every time so far it has passed on its own, and I’ve never fainted. I can stay where I am and let it peak. 55

Scared 90 → 50, Embarrassed 40 → 20. Hot thought believed 85 → 45.

I believe the new thought more in my head than in my body. Testing it on purpose would probably do more than writing about it.

Next: Plan a behavioral experiment. Go at the busiest time on purpose, and when the dizziness comes, stand in line without holding onto the cart.

Wednesday, 7 p.m., kitchen. My partner came home, said hi, and sat on the couch with his phone while I was telling him about my day.

Angry 70, Hurt 75. Body: Jaw tight.

• He’s so rude.
• He never listens.
• He doesn’t care about what happens to me.

He doesn’t care about what happens to me. 70

Thinking styles: Mind reading

• He looked at his phone while I was talking.
• He didn’t ask a single question about the meeting I’d been nervous about.

• He texted me good luck that morning, before the meeting.
• He said at breakfast that his week has been awful and he’s waiting on news about layoffs.
• Last weekend he spent an hour helping me practice for this exact meeting.

He wasn’t listening tonight and I’m allowed to mind. He has shown he cares about this meeting, and he’s under strain himself. Telling him I want ten minutes of his attention is fairer than deciding he doesn’t care. 75

Angry 70 → 30, Hurt 75 → 45. Hot thought believed 70 → 30.

“He doesn’t care” made me want to go quiet and punish him. Saying what I need works better.

Next: After dinner, ask him to put the phone down for ten minutes so I can tell him about the meeting.

Monday afternoon. Grades posted for the statistics midterm. I got a C. The class average was a B minus.

Inadequate 80, Disappointed 70

• Everyone else understands this.
• I pictured my advisor’s disappointed face.
• I’m not smart enough for this program.

I’m not smart enough for this program. 75

Thinking styles: Labeling, Mental filter

• I got a C, below the class average.
• I didn’t understand the last two problems.

• I got A’s in both of my other classes last term.
• I studied for this one the night before because of the move.
• In my first term I got a C on a quiz and finished that class with a B plus.
• The professor said half the class missed the last two problems.

This grade is lower than I wanted and I have gaps in the last unit. I’ve pulled up grades before, and one rushed exam says more about that week than about my ability. 65

Inadequate 80 → 45, Disappointed 70 → 50. Hot thought believed 75 → 40.

When I’m disappointed I forget my own track record. Writing it down brought it back.

Next: Go to office hours Thursday with the last two problems.

Friday evening. I canceled on Maya an hour before dinner, the third time this month. She texted “ok. honestly kind of hurt.”

Guilty 80, Anxious 70

• She’s upset with me.
• I’ve been letting her down lately.
• I’m going to lose her as a friend.

I’ve been letting her down lately. 85

• I’ve canceled three times in a month, each time late.
• She said she was hurt.
• I haven’t asked how her new job is going.

• Before this month, I hadn’t canceled on her in over a year.
• She said she was hurt. She didn’t say she was done.

The evidence mostly supports the hot thought.

It’s true, I’ve let her down this month, and she has a point. That’s a reason to repair it, not proof the friendship is ending. An apology without excuses and a plan I actually keep are both in my hands. 70

Guilty 80 → 50, Anxious 70 → 35. Hot thought believed 85 → 75.

Not every hard thought is distorted. This one was accurate. What helped was keeping it at its real size and deciding what to do.

Next: Call her tomorrow, apologize without excuses, and suggest a morning coffee I can keep.